At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Saturday, October 29, 2016


Friendly note to the person somewhere out in internetlandia who found my blogsite by typing the words "big .... " into the search bar. Sorry, what you found was NOT an admission of endowment, but proboscal suffering:
The post entitled "Big Quivering Nose" detailed recent sinusitis.
Coupled with the common cold.

It was obviously NOT what you were looking for.

I would ask what gender you are, but I suspect that I already know the answer. And I'm sure that you have since that moment located several large flasks of Sriracha hot sauce. Probably also not what you wanted.


I have always been baffled by people who go for size of one part, whether larger or smaller than the norm, instead of considering the dimensions of the whole. A sixty four ounce steak may be wonderful, but along with a Texas-sized baked potato and a bucket of ranch-dressed salad or grits, there is just too much there. Enough to share among the multitude. Jesus had five loaves and two fishes, and everybody got a tuna sandwich.

A particular pet peeve is the breast fetishist. A woman's mammary gland should be the right size. As the tale of Goldilocks tells us, "just right". Goldilocks would say the same about a man's dangly bit.

As an example, all of my briar smoking pipes have roughly similar interior dimensions, which my experience has shown is the optimum for tobacco enjoyment, although some tobaccos work better in slightly broader bowls, others are divine in a narrow bore. I have serious doubts about the men who go for giant hunks of wood and suspect that they compensate for smallmindedness and a boring personality at the very least.
Likewise the people who order a Venti or a Trenta.
If you need that much, drink a second cup.

Yes, a perfect grain pattern looks gorgeous on a large Charatan or Danish Freehand, and it really does show off how straight and perfect it is. But you cannot smoke such a thing. Unless you are physically brutish. It's just too big. It's a strain on the jaws, cumbersome, and eventually the tongue bite will prove agonizing. Whatever you smoke, the monochromacity will bore you. You will enjoy it less and less, as time goes on, and finally leave it on the mantelpiece next to the stuffed rhinoceros head, while you go off and find a petite Chacom with pleasing curves. Or an estate Comoy Grand Slam, London Pride, or Blue Riband.

Eventually your mouth (or whatever other orifice) will recover from that brutalizing. And you'll wonder what on earth possessed you.
Perhaps you will even seek help. Counselling.

Excess is never the answer.

[I could say the same about cigars, but I have long ago realized that for many men there's a streak of subconscious homoerotic penis-envy a mile wide, and if they didn't have a large cheroot they would probably visit the bath houses and engage in dangerous games with dumb brutes.]

Another useful analogy is carpentry, where intelligence dictates using the right tool for the job, and not using a sledgehammer on a carpet tack, or a jeweller's screwdriver for a Phillips-head. Both fine grit and coarse sandpaper have their place, but don't confuse the two.

Or cooking. Too much chilipepper burns, too little bores.

Or gefilte fish: just the right amount of chrein.

Avoid drunks, as well as puritans.

Anyhow, back to the person searching for a "big .... ". I hope that he or she found what she was looking for, because there are tonnes of people out there advertising that very item. He or she should so happy. Once all such folks have found each other, rude pictures will disappear from the internet, and there will be nothing but kitten pictures.

Good luck. We're praying for you.
We all want kitten pictures.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


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